There was a place for everything and everything was in its place.  His books were neatly arranged on the built in shelves that a local craftsman had designed and installed.  The dark brown leather sofa and chair with rolled arms and nail head trim sat against the right wall and looked as if they’d never been used.  Two glass end tables trimmed in gold flanked the ends of the sofa; each held a beige bell shaped lamp with a base that was inlaid with marble.  A matching coffee table with The Wall Street Journal, Black Enterprise Magazine and Newsweek on its top sat in front of the sofa.  At thirty-four years old, he was young, successful, financially well off and the life he lived was one that many men only fantasized about; in just a few short years, he’d become everything he had ever aspired to.  Yet here he sat, frightened and despondent, unsure of how to remove himself from the mess he’d made.

 

“Through the trying times He’s always there beside you …”

 

Without warning the tears began to fall.  The first one rolled from the corner of his left eye; two more seeped from the inside edge of his right eye.

 

“He said He’d never leave you all alone ….”

 

Leaning his elbows on the surface of the desk, Isaiah placed his throbbing head into his hands.

 

“You can take Him at His word every promise is true…”

 

The salty drops splattered unceremoniously, one by one, onto the desktop and began forming a miniature puddle.  Those that did not land on the desk immediately dropped onto his pants openly displaying the stains that the telltale droplets left behind. Until they dried, those spots would be a taunting reminder of his weakness.

 

“Until the end He will be faithful, faithful to you …..”

 

He opened the drawer on the right side of his desk and pulled out a monogrammed white cotton handkerchief.  Leaving it folded, he began wiping one side of his face and then the other.  But the tears continued streaming down faster than he could wipe them away; they came as if they knew there was nothing that could stop them.  His pitiful effort to curb the miserable flow was useless, and within a few moments, the 18-inch square of fabric was soaked through.  The tears rapidly ran into the corners of his mouth forcing him to taste the bitterness that came with them.  The suddenness and intensity with which they arrived was like a flash flood that caught people unaware and washed them away; there was no escape.  All that would be left behind were white streaks that forged a pathway to his chin.

 

“God says I know, I see …”

 

As if summoned to the scene by something that could not be seen nor heard, uncontrollable body wracking sobs overtook him.  Silently, he thanked God that this collapse hadn’t come in front of the church or his family.  He hung his head in sorrow, knowing that none of them would ever understand the demons he was fighting.  His demons were situations that haunted him daily, relentlessly assaulting his mind.

 

“I will be all that you need, if only you would put your faith and your trust in Me ...”

 

Mama; his beautiful, kind, loving mother was his unfailing champion, the one person who’d always given him unconditional love; his sisters had doted on him as a child and still did, along with his wife.  They believed in him.  He didn’t want his wife, his sisters to discover his mistakes, his personal failures; it would tear them apart.

 

“God says I know, I see, I will be all that you need …”

 

Isaiah shook his head in sadness and denial.  His father had passed away and for that he was glad.  He refused to think of the guilt, shame and maybe even anger his father would carry if he’d ever found out what was going on.  He’d loved and respected his father, admired what he’d done for his family, still, his father had been a man’s man and had rarely shown him the tenderness and attention that he’d lavished on his sisters. He’d always worn his impervious to pain image as if it was a medal of honor; worse yet, forgiveness was not something he freely gave.  Yes it was better that his father had passed on and been spared seeing him in this struggle.  His thoughts quickly turned to his wife, Angie.

 

He’d known from the beginning that he’d done the right thing by marrying her and had never regretted his decision.  She’d been the most devoted wife any man could ask for, readily making herself available for his every need, loving him with every inch of her heart even with all his shortcomings.  She’d given him a beautiful son that he loved more than life itself, a son whom he hoped would follow in his footsteps.  But now, he shuddered to think how his decisions would affect them.

 

They had many friends, some who were a part of the inner circle of people he trusted and surrounded himself with.  But he knew that once his secret was revealed, people would make it their business to publicize his fall, loyalties would be tested beyond the limits of what people could bear.  He knew that those same people that had once clamored for his attention would inevitably disappear from their world once the truth became public.  They would stop taking his calls, there would be no more lunches with the Baltimore City elite, and the favors that once freely flowed their way would unexplainably dry up.  No one wanted to risk tainting themselves because of a scandal that touched someone else’s life.  Isaiah knew he couldn’t blame them; as much as they would deny it, self-preservation was the law that governed most people. His emotional anguish, the tears would eventually subside.  But if his skeletons were allowed to come out of the closet, he would never be able to undo the damage done to those he so desperately loved.  He didn’t know what to do, or even who to turn to.  He was the one people came to for answers, the tower of strength for so many.

 

“I care, I care, I care for you ….”

 

The woman continued singing, promising that God himself was concerned about the struggles that people went through.  Isaiah now wondered if that was true and if God understood what he was going through.  He wondered if God could forgive him for what he’d done; show him the way out of what he’d fallen into.

 

The secret sin that had ruled his life for so long would not only ruin him, but would destroy the lives of those he loved; not just his family, but the trusting people of his congregation who had so faithfully followed his lead and the community who had so readily embraced him.  And all it would take would be one event to start the ball rolling, one discovery and the dye would be cast. 

 

All it would take would be one careless word, one unexpected phone call, one pair of prying eyes and his world would come crashing down.  His being exposed would begin a chain of unstoppable events that would have a domino effect; he couldn’t, he wouldn’t let that happen.  But how would he stop it?

 

“I care, I care, I care for you….”

 

Throwing his head back and looking towards the ceiling, Isaiah stretched his mouth wide and let out a gut-wrenching wail.  He called out to the only One that could help him rise from the mess he’d sunken into.  Yet in the back of his mind, he wondered if the God he’d served so faithfully even heard or cared about his struggles anymore. Still, he cried out, knowing that there was no one else he could turn to now.

 

“Oh God, help me!”

 

“I care, I care, I care for you….”

 

An hour later the tears had subsided and Isaiah knew what he had to do. He was leaving tonight for a three day conference in New York and wanted this task over and done with before he left.  He looked at the clock again and realized that he had two hours left until he would report to the pulpit and carry out morning service.  He knew what he had to do.  He would go now and handle the situation, bring it to an end; somehow he would stop things from going any further.

 

Having made his decision, he slipped his feet back into his shoes and walked to his private washroom. Leaning over the sink, he cupped warm water in his hands, splashed it onto his face and toweled it dry, taking only a second to squeeze lotion into his hand and whisk it across his face to ward off dryness; he dipped his index finger into the jar of Vaseline and dabbed it on his lips. He squirted lotion into his palm and rubbed his hands together until the white cream disappeared. Grabbing his keys from the desk, he turned the light out and headed out the door, dreading what lay ahead of him, but knowing it had to be done.

 

Twenty-five minutes later he pulled into Rising Sun Estates, a small development with only forty houses. It had been built five years ago and was only twenty miles from downtown Baltimore. The houses were large and stately; most sat on at least two acres of land, were beautifully landscaped and cost no less than $750,000 dollars; it was painfully obvious that people were willing to pay for their privacy and space; he saw evidence of that right in front of him.  After making several turns he finally arrived at 1212 Rising Sun Court, a cul de sac of five houses tucked away in the farthest corner of the development. He turned into the black-topped driveway of a large white colonial style home with black shutters positioned at the head of the circular court. He’d been here more times than he cared to remember, but today, the house seemed to be calling him towards it; its familiarity beckoned him to come. Turning the ignition off he stepped out onto the driveway and shoved the door closed behind him.

As soon as his feet hit the smooth black pavement, he began striding purposefully up the walk and had only placed one foot on the bottom step when the front door flung open wide. The person that had been a large part of his life for more than two years stood in the doorway holding a young child. Isaiah was greeted with open arms while the baby smiled, cooed and looked directly at him.  Isaiah went willingly into that welcoming embrace and shared a kiss that ignited a fire in him that he’d never known before.

 

Pressing their bodies together, the two seemed to merge into a single entity, clinging to each other as if their lives depended on it, the child pressed between them. Their lips came together like a magnet gravitating towards metal, meeting in a kiss that was both passionate and desperate; both sensual and seductive. Their tongues danced and swirled inside each other’s mouth, teasing, tantalizing, and leaving behind a passionate promise of what was to come.  Anxious fingers soon began weaving their way through Isaiah’s soft curly black hair.  They then found their way to the sensitive spot on the back of his neck, hungry for contact with his bare skin. The hand slowly snaked its way down to Isaiah’s shoulders and then slid to the middle of his back, reaching beneath his shirt to stroke him over and over again. Isaiah could feel his manhood rising, becoming hard and erect between them; seeking a release. He knew it was time to end their public display of affection and stepped through the door into the serene refuge they’d created away from the condemning eyes of the world. Silently, he closed the door behind them.

 

Forty five-minutes later, he stepped outside and nervously scanned the cul de sac searching for anyone who might be watching; someone who would be more than happy to report his transgression. Feeling safe, he gently caressed his lover’s lips with his own, running his errant tongue across the top lip first and then across the bottom one.  With a promise to call later, he planted a kiss on the child’s forehead and walked to his car, not bothering to even glance over his shoulder.

 

Sliding behind the wheel of his car, he stuck the key in the ignition, turned it on and then put the car in reverse, backing out of the driveway into the street. In a split second sadness and guilt washed over him like a giant wave sweeping onto a beach. The determination he’d come here with was gone and the situation still loomed in front of him unresolved. Again, just as it had for months, shame engulfed him.

 

He sped away, headed back to his office to dress and take his rightful place at the helm of the church.  He left disgusted that in a matter of minutes, his good intentions and steely resolve had vanished simply because of one breathtaking kiss and the voice of the child saying his first word to him.

 

Daddy.